Skating + Relaxin = Blublubluh

Mark and I went skating today. My boots don't quite close around my ankles, plus the relaxin hormone that is easing my hips open is also making my ankles floppy. So while my balance is just fine, and I take it easy and skate like a pylon, I can only do so much. Also, I can do crossovers one way but not the other. I didn't even try to skate backward or go fast or stop. I didn't last very long but it was nice to go around with my honey until my ears froze off.

I also had a nice massage and a chiro adjustment, had lunch with my friend and ex-boss Fred, spent way too much money on adorable kid stuff at a Carters retail store, and spent far too much time doing video game stuff. Mark's been tackling his room (and some other stuff which was done before I asked... shock!) and I have done diddlysquat. SHAME!! Get to work, woman!

Doctor appt. 18308382028

Just a few more weeks and little squirmy-head should squirm his way out!

To think he'll be smaller than my smallest cat, now that is a thing to visualize!

Take your bets now - fair or dark hair? We won't know the eye color for a while, but I'm certain he'll be born with a set of hair on his cute little head. And the first question out of my mouth will be, not "is he normal" or "how is he doing" or "can I hold him" or whatever, but "what color is his hair!??!" I'm dying to know. Aren't you? This 50/50 thing is so exciting!

Anyway, everything is progressing quite well (knock on wood, or my forehead). I am 1.5 cm dilated and the mild, occasional cramping I get is a good thing. 205 lbs, even after the holidays. That's a total of ... um... (let's try some preggo math!) 205-173=32 lbs! At this rate I won't gain more than my recommended 35 lbs. Woohoo! I am eating as much crap as healthy food now, tho... I really should chill out.

Mark and I completed our bedroom today. Because the landlord easily agreed to replace the carpet, I'm not going to spend a lot of time cleaning it myself, but I will shampoo the icky places tomorrow. We're going one room at a time. I'm not sure what room we're tackling tomorrow (before and after my mid-day pregnancy massage and chiropractic adjustment). I think we should tackle Mark's room, which he will be sharing with (or eventually relinquishing to) the kid until we find a permanent home. The carpet in there definitely needs to be shampooed before the landlord sees it ;) We also need to clean the back "cat" bathroom.

Believe it or not, it's my office in the dining room that stresses me out the most. I will have to buy some additional furnishings to keep that under control (a hutch, cabinet doors for the bookcase)... and we are also going to buy a king-size bed.

I'm starting to think I'll need some help at the end of the week getting things organized and into storage... ugh!!!

Birthing Class #3 & Xmas Eve

Sorry - still no ultrasound and late on the latest birthing class. It was a lot of meditation, breathing, visualization, and review of labor - what to expect when it goes right, and what can go astray from what we consider "right" (leading to a vaginal birth). Not very interesting, really. I felt badly for Mark, who is tolerating the granola class pretty well now, and in the very last visualization exercise we both fell asleep. Me quite deeply. I was comfy on his lap!

Anyway, today we went to Hermosa Beach where my parents are holed up in a posh hotel room with fireplace and kitchen and directly facing the beach. My brother Erik was there, and my step-siblings Michael and Kelly. We had a nice chat, went to dinner, came back, opened all the loot, and chatted some more (Mark teaching my surprisingly knowledgable mother about photography stuff).

Finny got lots of good loot - cute clothes, books, blankets, and some black boots that are pretty close to combat boots which are adorable and match Daddy just fine... ;)

Tomorrow, which is really today, we are going to have Erik, Mom & Peter over for a nice Christmas Roast which Mark is going to cook up. I am going to clean up after him (dishes), and clean the house more in preparation, and so forth. It ought to be pretty cool... with our hastily decorated "Christmas Tree With Character" (it's a dud - but I'm glad someone is appreciating it or it would have ended up unbought and mulched). The cats love the tree, especially Nirmal who is constantly drinking from the base water. Fortunately they have not destroyed it yet...

Week 36... is the kettle boiling yet?

The long wait. The anticipation. The heartburn induced by drinking water. The certainty that my uterus walls have disintegrated and his little hands are gripping my stringy intestines and yanking them all over the place. The neuroses. Ah........ entering the 9th month at last!

Too much chocolate could also be to blame. Damn these holidays! And I'm surrounded by media people who get dozens of gifts from their vendors.

The landlord seems amenable to new carpet - yay! And it probably doesn't hurt that my due date is his birthday! :P

Happy Winter Solstice, by the way. Let's see if I can get some extra sleep on this the longest night of the year.

Weekly Doctor Visit # 2928384

Now that I'm going to the doctor for a check-up every week (fun), you'll be getting a lot more updates. I'm ditching yoga tonight because I slept almost none last night, and I'm tired as heck, so here's a quick update.

I'm dilated 1 cm. Apparently this is normal and good for 35 weeks and explains some of the cramping i was having last week. It does not mean I'm in labor. Also, I think the doctor still thinks I'm 36 weeks along but I don't agree. My window of conception is so small (2 days) that there is no deviating from the schedule. However, that doesn't really matter at all - it's not an exact science and this kid could burst out any time he pleases.

Speaking of bursting out, he often feels like he is trying to burst out like the chest burster alien from the movie Alien. Yuck!

It's kind of weird, though, 50% of the time I'm almost unaware that I'm pregnant - walk normally, no thrusting out of the hips/belly, good posture, feel normal, not really even feeling weight in front. Balance is great. (Memory, on the other hand... what was I saying?) The other 50% of the time I'm crawling the walls for him to be on the outside... hehe.

And I have to cut down on the chocolate, coffee, sugar, and caffeine* I've started to crave and consume uncontrollably. Fortunately, however, I only gained half a pound over the last week and my doc says I look great and healthy - and that extra fat I see in my face is not so apparent to him, anyway. And he's not just saying I look good the way a girlfriend or co-worker would... I think he's brutally honest.

Hopefully Mark will stop the cleaning frenzy long enough to scan that friggin' ultrasound for me!

* In my iced tea, however miniscule the caffeine is in iced tea or chocolate... no caffeinated lattes for me any more :(

More baby class, more Snipers

Shereen & Katie Oke, wife and new daughter

of our (former but never really gone)
esteemed Snipers goaltender (and D) Mike Oke.

Last night's baby class was more fun, more active. We did labor positions. It's all very geared toward doing it naturally, but even if I do get an epidural (which I hope not to, if all this stuff works) it'll have to be a walking epi cuz I don't want to get stuck lying down. It was fun pretending Mark was an ottoman, or a hanging post, or whatever, lots of hugs & silliness in class but hopefully we'll remember it all and it'll be fine.

Lying down is no longer comfortable. Neither is sitting down. My hips ache all the time. I think I just need to walk more.

In fact, as of yesterday my lower belly is like a constant cramp. When the instructor was describing the early stages of labor as being "mostly just annnoying" and "like menstrual cramps" I was sure I was in early labor. And that part doesn't scare me, it's the fact that I still have a lot of housecleaning and prep to do before he comes that scares me.

One of the girls at work lost her baby at the Christmas party on Wednesday. At about 20 weeks. Fortunately I'm past all that... as long as he doesn't die in there (and he was just hiccoughing for half an hour so I know he's ok) he'll be fine when he does come. Early might be better... not so big. Katie apparently slid out in half an hour like a noodle, and Shereen doesn't even look like she just gave birth. Jealous!

Anyway, Mark should be getting those ultrasound images scanned today, so hopefully i will be able to post them later.

Baby Class, Ultrasound

Whew! What a weekend. Baby class yesterday was very cool. Mark and I got a private lesson as no other couple showed up. Was good so we could speed through it at our pace. Mark changed his first diaper and, well, we'll see if he remembers how to swaddle! The more we learn before we're on our own, the better. Since Omi will be with us the first weeks, I'm sure we'll get it all down before we are left "unsupervised" with the little tyke. The nurse teaching the class thinks Dr. Porter is awesome, and that's good to hear.

Today we saw Dr. P (what a ham) and I had an ultrasound and a beta strep test. Fintan is still a boy (very well endowed, I must say, and not at all shy about it) and he's looking pretty damn cute in there. It's harder to see a whole child now that we can only see parts. Maybe I'll go to the mall and get a 3D/4D ultrasound, or maybe I'll just wait. Unfortunately the portable ultrasound technology that Dr. P has come into the office is not the highest tech in the world, so we can only see so much in 2D slices.

The ink took a long time to dry (our technician is a fine artist to help interpret the blobs) so we haven't scanned the pics yet, but I'll try to get them up in the next day or two.

First "Birthing" Class

Well........ that was interesting.

Mark has a hard time with the place we are going - it's my yoga studio (it's huge) and he likes to make fun of all the women/yogis ("hippies") wearing turbans and so on. I think he's just insecure (not to mention one to talk! weirdo!) about the whole spiritual side I'm showing more of lately, as well as the whole childbirth thing in general. He had some difficulty getting into the swing of things, but by the end he was doing better.

I like the instructor, Davi; she's a midwife and has helped birth some 1000 babies in her career, so she knows what works and what doesn't. It interested me that some women get really hung up on things (pain anticipation, perennial tears, etc.). The "pain" doesn't frighten me. I am confident I can get through all this just fine. My fears stem more from loss of control - of not getting the birth experience I want, of a doctor making a hasty decision that is not necessary and leads to things I don't want, etc.

And, of course, my fear of my allergies is much greater than my fear of the birth process including the pain, and every alternative to a fully natural childbirth leads to allergic consequences. If labor lasts 36 hours, that's better than six weeks of an allergic reacion to tape on my back - you experienced women my laugh at my ignorance but believe me, it is not going to be possible to sit upright or lie on my back or drive my car for six weeks if I have an epidural catheter taped to my lower back. That and betadine. Good lord do not put that crap near my hoo-ha!!! I'll never sit down or have sex again!!!

Hell, I've climbed mountains in the rain with 60lbs. on my back, knowing half way up that you can't go back and you can't stop here. Determination bordering on defiance is my default reaction to adversity or challenge. "Screw you, I'll show you." Some have asked what I'm trying to prove. It's not about proving anything, really... It's just in my nature to do things my way, and as you all probably know, I do not shy away from real (physical or otherwise) challenges. And the more I'm told it can't (or shouldn't) be done, the more likely I am to at least try to prove someone wrong.

Meanwhile, I have to try to get my child into an anterior position - he's already head down, I'm certain, but he's posterior (feet/hands/knees/facing forward) and something we learned last night is that it's not the best birth position.

Next milestones: Sunday's childcare class (for after he's born), Monday's ultrasound, and then our second class on Thursday where we'll spend 2.5 hours on labor management. (And that's the part Mark really needs to know!)

A couple photos from Oct/Nov

Here's a pic of me in October... note that there is still something resembling an "innie" on this belly. I no longer have an "innie" - I have a "flattie" now. And I'm about twice as big. I'll get Mark to take another picture. (He likes the low angle to emphasize my belly... or maybe to show off my double chin...)


And here's a picture of our fabulous turkey dinner. Mark spent 2 days cooking and baking and I didn't do diddlysquat. Well okay I did the dishes so he could keep cooking. It all turned out great. (Gravy not pictured.) The yellow stuff is a lemon sauce for the sweet potatoes which we made without marshmallows or other artificial ingredients. Yum! We brined the turkey, too, and it came out perfectly (just like Finny will... right?).

Breastfeeding 101

Well, let's hope I can get off on the right foot with breastfeeding so that I don't have to experience the horrors that my poor mother went through.

First we talked a little about the history of formula, etc., why our mothers didn't or couldn' t breastfeed, etc. We talked about some statistics that, of course, favored breastfeeding, though I tend to prefer non-drug-company-sponsored scientific studies, so that was fine with me. Interspersed with all that was some discussion of hospital procedures and how to politely deny the "evil formula nurses" a chance to feed your baby formula from a bottle and mess up their suckling instincts and palette.

We saw a video that was from a study in the UK that showed newborns crawling from mom's belly to the breast, finding it, and latching on without any aid from mom. I didn't even know newborns had that much muscular control, especially of their heads. The video snippets were confusing about what they were trying to conclude, but basically they were trying to demonstrate that babies who are not taken away from the mother (even for cleaning) and who are not medicated (i.e. through mother's medicated delivery) were very very much more likely to have those nursing instincts kick in within an hour and find the breast and latch on properly themselves. Medicated babies had a hard time; unmedicated babies who had been separated had a hard time due to "orientation" but did okay... well I can't remember it all but bascially a drug-free labor and immediate bonding are best.

Then we learned how to do the clutch and the cross-cradle holds, how to properly get the baby to latch on, etc. We practiced with dolls (boy is it fun grasping your breast for 20 minutes practicing in front of other people), then a woman came in with her 3-week-old (adorable!) boy and we had a live demo. That was very good, too, to see. We also learned some burping holds, and stuff...

I hope I can remember all of this. Right now I remember weird facts like that about 95% of women in Sweden breastfeed and many of them as old as age 5! And that the world average of breastfeeding age is 4.2 years old!!! And I thought my step-mother breastfeeding my siblings until they were 2 was weird!!! But it hasn't hurt them - and Sweden produces some of the world's best hockey players, so who am I to judge?

OH so I have a question for the Aunties - how successful were you at breastfeeding? And for Traci and Christi, how successful were you (if you tried)? Tell me stories.

Just a boring old update

Tomorrow I am dragging Mark to my "breastfeeding workshop" in the afternoon. Here they are supposed to teach us how to properly breast feed, as well as how to handle the "hospital" pressures that generally lead to women not getting a good first experience at breastfeeding and then giving up. For example, when nurses say "Oh you're so exhausted, why don't we just go take the baby for a [formula from a bottle] feeding while you get some rest?" It'll be good for Mark. I'll let you know how it goes.

Last week my doctor changed my due date to 1/18. However, he is going by the first [successful] ultrasound reading, which measures the length and head size and compares it to averages. Maybe at that stage (10 weeks I think was the first one, can't remember now) averages are all about the same, but we all know this kid is ginormous already. And my belly measurement is above average (altho this is not an exact scientific method) and every ultrasound I've had they've said he's "x" weeks and I laugh and say "no he's x-2 weeks"... And the window of conception was extremely small, so... So who knows. I have another ultrasound on 12/12, so we'll have to see what happens then.

I'm getting psyched for my birthing classes, which start this Thursday evening. Next Sunday we have the baby care class where Mark learns to change diapers, and we both learn to warm bottles, do basic baby first aid, etc. etc. Then in two weeks it's the pregnant couples class... I can't even remember what that's about, but it's probably all motivational and therapy-like. (Have I mentioned all this already?)

I skated for about 10 minutes today - skating is fine (why must everyone freak out? I'm more likely to fall down the stairs after tripping over Ikey) and it felt good on my legs and those atrophe-ing hockey muscles. But my cankles got achy pretty quickly so I had to take the skates off after a few laps. (More socks next time.) It was a great opportunity - there were only seven other people on the ice, so much lower risk of someone wiping out and taking me with them, and the ice not too chewed up. (In fact it was too hard.) I was extra careful, don't worry. I wish I could go fast and deep and backward... I just stuck to forward and simple and listened to my body.

"Week 32: Squirming, Pushing, Growing

This week your baby weighs almost four pounds and could be up to 19 inches long. And though that's a head-to-toe length, your baby is actually back to a curled-up position (you try standing up in those cramped quarters!). You're likely feeling tapping and squirming instead of your baby's signature rocking and rolling. That's because, while comfy, your baby is a bit tight for exercise space right now."

That's the news for this week. I feel like Finny is taking up all 19 inches from the very bottom of my left hip bone (sometimes it feels like he's in my leg) to the very top right of my uterus, just above the bottom of my freefloating ribs. If he's in a ball, he's already too long for his newborn onesies... holy cow. Either that or there's two in there... I still haven't ruled that out, especially as my formerly forward belly begins to widen.

Meanwhile we're in a cleaning frenzy. I should say Mark is in a cleaning frenzy and I'm just trying to stay out of his way, running errands to buy storage tubs, and stuff like that. He is really making good progress. I also signed up for my breastfeeding workshop next weekend (poor Mark - so many classes for us this month!). Of course, as I've been told by dozens of friends, learn as much as you can ahead of time.

I'm getting excited to have Finny in my arms and to start to get my body back. Especially now that we have NHL Center Ice package, watching hockey just gets more and more irritating. I saw some Leafs do some great movies tonight that we practiced a lot at West LA College, and while I could never do them in a game, seeing them done by pros is inspiring (and reminds me of Igor, my favorite coach).

Hospital's a Go!

Mark and I had a tour of the hospital this weekend. Someone from my yoga classes was also there with her husband, and a lot of other people of various ages (mostly over or near 30 I'd guess) and races, mixed couples, etc.

The hospital is very modern, clean, and interesting. The delivery rooms are large (two have labor tubs) and private, though the post-partum / recovery rooms are much smaller. I don't know where they're going to put Mark's cot, but they're very good about allowing the husband or second caregiver to stay with the mother.

The baby stays in the room with the mother at all times unless there is a medical need to take him to the nursery. There are two large operating rooms for emergency c-sections. They allow up to four people in the delivery room (father, grandmother, acupuncturist, and first cousin, for example) but I'm sure my doctor will have some say about it and it would be quite tight with four. Also they have DVD players and stuff in the delivery room so I can try to kick back while surrendering to my body.

In yoga class on Saturday a sub instructor told us all about her labor (she had brought her 5-mo-old to class, what a happy little cutie!) and breathing and reaffirmed 1. you don't need drugs, 2. you don't even need to be in a hospital (hers was more or less an accidental home birth, as she had planned to go to the hospital to deliver), and 3. it's going to be hard work so don't bother cleaning the house during labor - get rest while you can!

Now I'm actually becoming more worried about what happens when the baby comes - like, how to nurse, and how to get sleep, and oh no I need nursing pajamas and nursing clothes, and probably some new underwear since I've destroyed most of mine by cutting the top elastic. I feel pretty good about having what I need for the baby, but I have no idea what I need for myself! Who thinks of oneself when one is expecting a little person to pop out soon?

The walrus, kookookachoo

Man I feel perpetually bloated. Here in week 30 I believe I haven't had a moment's break from the constant pressure. This is more or less what I expected pregnancy to feel like - a pushing from within, and a little stretching from without.

Gummi is pretty darn active. A lady today (who has three daughters) told me that a nurse told her that when the baby moves it's sleeping, and when it's awake it's still, listening and observing all around it. I'm not so sure. Gummi was doing some sushi rolls last night on the sofa, and I don't think "turning over in your sleep" describes it adequately.

There are times when it's a repetitious flutter, like his little bicycle kicks, and I can see that being a little REM activity - especially when accompanied by the trombone playing on the other side of my stomach. If there's a rhythm to it, it could be sleep-induced, I suppose. But there are times when using my bladder as a trampoline or his umbilical cord as a jump rope are just impossible to think of as an activity possible during unconsciousness.

Of course, I can only imagine what is going on in there. That perpetually sleepy eating machine that is going to come out seems like a far cry from the clearly intelligent, conscious, deliberate person I envision in there. It's like the caterpillar, conscious and alive in his own way and every bit an independent organism, and after "passing through" the birth stage he becomes a butterfly, a totally different and equally independent organism entirely unlike his former self.

Okay, funny pictures!

The famiglia... "Omi", Auntie Kathy, Me, Mark
at Nun's to eat lunch & pick up the cake & meatsicles.
Thanks, Scott!!! La-la is taking the picture.
Why am I the funniest looking in the pic???

Santa's Helpers... Samantha "Mini-Goon" on the right,
and "You bet you pronounce Fintan L-A-U-R-A"
(whose b-day is also our due-date)
* Home-made Leafs blanket courtesy of Sunshine Annie *
I chose this picture because it covers my fatness.

Our loyal fans: Sunshine Annie picking her nose,
Suey aka Pig looking like she's about to keel over,
Shane & Becca in the back, trying to look inconspicuous,
Brian "Boyote" and Jenny "Binky" up front,
carrying Finny's future girlfriend, Aisling...
and Opa blowing out Kathy's flash :)

Co-ed Showers are Really Fun!
Look what good sports the boyz were being!
Gorgeous pool & use of bar & house courtesy of
the Rosquis (not pictured): Pam, Yohn, Tommy, & Sammi

Mark was especially a riot!
"Just give me the cup!" (he cheated at every game)
Sarah and Bob baked us some no-sugar cakes, too!

Our beautiful cake! And boy was it TASTY!!!
So rich even I could barely eat it.
Dark chocolate cake with a tangy fruit & caramel layer.
MMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!
(Don't tell Dr. Porter)

...more pics to come...

April Showers Bring May Flowers

Okay, no flowers. Balloons!

Here are some photos from the shower yesterday. It was pretty fun - or at least pretty funny. Mark got a bit inebriated, saw Becca whom I haven't seen since high school, lots of our good friends there, much love to go around. Cake was so rich even I had trouble eating a lot of it. Plenty of food and booze. Lala did great with the games; the decorations were perfect; prizes to the winners; a great team effort. But of course, that's what it should be in my life, it's all about team!

Thanks to everyone who came, wanted to come, tried to come a day early (haha), and so on - I love you all! Here's a loot list for those who are wondering:

Diaper Genie
Breast pump
Vibrating bouncy chair thingy
Lots of amazingly cute clothes
Washcloths, onesies, hoodie towels
A hockey blanket (Maple Leaf on the other side)
Papoose carrier thing
Backpack diaper bag
My brest friend breastfeeding pillow
Snoopy diaper & bottle bags
Lots of darling little baby toys, chew rings, etc.

MAN I CAN'T WAIT!!! :)

Okay pictures in next post.

The Forecast: Rain

After a week of arriving at work at 6:30 a.m. every day (amazingly enough, I can actually wake up and be alive at that time now), and having set off the company alarm once, and having a 6:45 a.m. total hard drive failure at work with no IT help due in for 2 hours, and launching a $1.1 million web site next week, and having put my other baby and snuggle buddy (Roscoe) to sleep ............ I am really looking forward to my shower.

I feel kind of excited, like bridging into a new world. Lots of Mark's friends will be there, which is good, because I don't want him to think this is just a girl thing. We're in it together. So he'll have to suffer a little bit, get drunk, listen to real dad advice (RDA), and put up with being one of the centers of attention for a while. I hope this puts a little reality check into both of us (no hockey pun intended).

As for me, I'm excited to be having a party of any kind. I never have birthday parties, or Christmas parties, or any kind of parties. Okay once I did have that Lord of the Rings party before the third movie, and that was fun, but it was kind of mellow watching 7 hours of movies on a 46" TV.

I'll let you know how it goes - should be fun - and if you aren't coming, we'll just party like it's 1999.

Puttin' on the Ritz

Last weekend we had "girls' weekend out" at the Ritz Carlton in San Francisco. Not the poshest of Ritzes (not that I've been in many) but the service is definitely good - non-stop (ch)eating and huffin' and puffin' up and down the hills to shop and explore. Mostly we lie around the lobby on the club level, putting tasties into Gummi's system. It was nice and relaxing. It's especially nice to use pregnancy as a reason to get pre-boarding when you have a "C" boarding card and you know you'll need an aisle seat (just in case). I spent at least $1000 in maternity clothes (again) - well, Omi spent some of that, of course.

Binky's big news is that she is having a girl, Aisling. Like us, they can't decide on a middle name. I think Fintan and Aisling will be good friends, if not cute little toddler lovers... hahaha. They can play hockey together, at least. Woot!

Mamma and Baby

I had written this really long post that sounded like a big emotional whine.

And after all that ... you really wouldn't care anyway.

So in short it was this: I'm not a machine. It's not all about the baby. I'm still here too - and I'm not fragile, and I'm not "in a condition," and in fact I'm stronger and more powerful than ever. So people, don't freak when a woman is pregnant because she seems fragile or because you're worried about the baby. It's not all about the baby. She's a person too!

And that's how I want it to be in the hospital. I'm a person. The doctors, nurses, machines, lights - yeah whatever - they don't control my rite of passage to motherhood. They are focused on the baby. Well, people, it's not all about the baby. I'm becoming a MOM and I have feelings and needs that should be respected and not ignored during the birth "process."

So there. Let me do my work and earn my rite of passage. The baby will be fine, I assure you. But if you deny my needs, feelings, or the spiritual power that I desire to be connected to - I will not be fine. (And if I'm not too heavily sedated, neither will you. :P )

All love surround us, me & the baby. Me & the baby.

After New York City

Yeah yeah, it's been a while. With no ultrasounds there's not a whole heck of a lot to say. Been trying to get to yoga, walk, and eat right... (yawn)!!!

Last weekend we went to NYC and upstate a little bit to Warwick, NY. In Warwick we picked apples - our favorite apples, Cortlands, which you can't really ever find in Calif. In the city we went to the Butterfly exhibit (live butterflies!) at the Museum of Natural History, and we walked around through the regular dinosaur exhibits, and some of the anthropological exhibits. After a few hours of that we walked all the way back to the Roosevelt Island tram... man my watermelon feet were killing me!!! We also did some book shopping, hitting all the usual places Mark likes to visit - The Strand, some comic book shops near NYU, etc.

Gummi held up like a trooper but unfortunately mom didn't. The good part was having Grandma (Mark's mom - we stayed with his parents on the island) cook really good food for us, including apple tart, and Mark made his own apple crisp which was very good. We packed a bushel of apples and came home.

On the way out Gummi discovered my bladder. Thankfully I was in an aisle seat! He is getting big and wiggly - wiggling right now in fact. I'm 194 lbs. and probably should only be around 184 lbs. but what can you do. I do need to exercise more, and eat less chocolate... but that's my only vice.

Laterz!

Alien creature!!

Last night I sacrificed some time to sit with Mark in front of the boob tube. I felt some strong movement so I lifted my shirt to see if I could see it. Sure enough, you could see my belly moving! GROSS!! Mark saw it - it freaked him out. There's definitely something in there!

:) Fun!

Check-up!

So I went to the doctor Monday and the doctor said 4 lbs in 4 weeks was too much and it puts me on track to gain 55 lbs. which is too much. I got upset because it is what it is and he seemed to soften a bit. I said what else do you want me to do, I eat bear food and I'm walking and doing yoga. I said I can't play my sports and my body is having a very hard time adjusting to that. Hockey is very specialized you know - hockey muscles and the metabolism that hockey creates are pretty unique. That is why we all have fat all over our butts and thighs. Of course, those who also work out in other ways don't. But anyway he said yeah, hockey is difficult to play when you're pregnant. So we agreed that I'm doing all I can and it is what it is.

In three weeks I get a shot and have to do a glucose test which I am not looking forward to. I'm afraid it's going to taste yucky (the orange stuff I have to drink) and I'm going to be starving because you have to fast for 10-12 hours which is okay when you just wake up but not okay if I have to be awake for 4 hours before he draws blood. And it can cause nausea and stuff... man I've made it this far without barfing and I don't want to stop now.

Anyway, that's the latest news from me. :)

Finally, the Belly Shot!

Well, Mark has several belly shots, but this is the most recent. It looks a little bigger from this angle than it really is. Or maybe not. I don't know any more. Sometimes it feels humongous, but it doesn't look that big to me. Other times I'm like trying to drive an 18-wheeler in reverse. In the dark. With no eyes.


And here's a close-up of me...


...and the world's cutest cat, Ike. Who, at Fintan's birth, will weigh twice the baby. And probably try to squish him. For fun.

Och, my legs hurt!

Yoga awakened the quad gods. The rest of me feels great! But without hockey, my quads have been underutilized and atrophying, and yoga seems to have, uh, well, let's just say it's painful to walk, go up or down stairs, get in or out of a chair, etc.

Meanwhile, here's an illustration of my 1-pound dos manos burrito. Personally I think it looks way too big, like a 9-monther. If Mark ever downloads the digital photos of my gigantic belly, we can compare...

Baby's first Yoga

"Let the light shine."

Binky & I went to our first prenatal yoga class today. It was interesting, a little funky, a little more "feel good" than actual yoga, but afterward I definitely "felt good" and my legs were definitely getting something out of it too. My arms would have felt more if i hadn't been using the Bowflex more lately.

We chose this particular place based on a friend's recommendation and also because Binky had heard of it and this particular instructor in some yoga magazines. I find that I have a pretty unsually open mind about trying new and weird things ( like acupuncture). I'm sort of in an all-time Zen mood on weekends now that school is over, and, well, why not?

A lactation consultant was there to talk about one of the yoga places' classes they have for breastfeeding. I'll probably use this woman for the first couple of weeks. Why not? Or maybe some other woman. Who knows who. The whole experience reminds me again that our bodies were designed for this, and that the newborn baby and the mother's post-natal body know what to do naturally. In our culture, it's all about the end result and not how we get there; it's all about convenience and not the Natural way or God's will or whatever you believe. It's all about formula and making excuses for commercialization and not about the natural processes and bonding and spirituality built into our genes, and our power as women to do all of this our way.

Anyway, after all that, I felt good and strong and empowered.

No pics of me yet.

Still waiting for *someone* to give me access to the pictures of me and my ginormous belly. He doesn't take them off his camera so it's a little difficult to post them.

As you all probably heard, we had a massive greater LA area power outage today. No, it was not caused by terrorists or natural disasters or federal incompetence. It was caused by a couple morons cutting the wrong power cables that caused a shortage that triggered a chain reaction of safety shut-downs. Contrary to European reports, chaos did not ensue and things were just fine as most places out here have generators.

I'm inspired to work out regularly. This is a new thing inspired by something in my geek life that awoke the athlete in me. I have to decide which gym and how exactly to fit it into my lifestyle. I know that as soon as I do it, I can make it a habit. Still haven't started Yoga yet... I better contact miss Binky. Meanwhile, my Bowflex is great for an upper body workout. Unfortunately my leg workout extendor requires me to lie on my belly for some of the exercises.

Burst of energy?

Wow. I think hormones are weirding me out. It's fascinating yet annoyingly unpredictable.

I felt great Sun-Tues. High energy, no desire for a nap, doing okay. Wed.-Thurs. I was depressed, exhausted, and clearly hormonal. I went home a little early on Thursday to take a nap which was nice, plus got a full night's sleep. Felt "normal" on Friday finally. No "nonsense tears" or over tired feelings.

I was up until about 1:00 am with Mark catching up on Battlestar Gallactica episodes. We're behind for the season and need to catch up. Anyway, we went to bed. Then around 4:30 am I woke up, feeling not so good. I felt awful all morning (not morning sickness, more like something bad that I ate). And I tried to lie down but around 8:00 I just gave up, went downstairs, and cleaned out my car.

I've had too much energy today. Uwe called it "nesting" - but I think it's just hormonal surges. I have an overwhelming desire to clean although I don't know where to start. I need a storage unit somewhere to put half this stuff just while I'm rearranging and just to get to the crap behind it all. I'm tempted to just throw it all out just to get it out of here, but we'd need to hire a dumpster.

Oh well, so I sit in the filth a while longer...

Mark's Spawn

Awww here is daddy's little spawn. Make of it what you will... notice the "gun" shape of his hand like he is making a "shooting" gesture toward his temple. See, he really is advanced already! He says, "If I don't get a PlayStation 2 in here I'm going to kill myself!" (sigh) Already so demanding. Or maybe he's just cleaning out his ear so he can hear the Mozart I've been playing.



Okay some of you may think that's not very funny, but cheer up. This creepy ultrasound is superceded by these cuter pictures. Note the artistic rendering done by our very talented ultrasound technician. In pen. On the actual prints.

Oh that last one, if you look closely, is the phallus shot. No mistaking the little wanker. We saw it from all angles.

WHEW! Long time nothing!

Sorry it's been so long since I updated. I now have Photoshop installed and some other stuff so I can post pictures. Unfortunately I don't have them on this computer. So I have to wait for Mark to send them to me.

He also took some pics of my belly. I never did get that last pic up, so you'll just have to wait. :)

We've been going through house-buying blues. Everything in LA that is worth living in is worth too much money. And I'm not talking about ritzy houses on the hill. A simple 3br+2ba or 2br+den is outrageous. We are starting to think we're just going to rent for a while longer, either here or in a rental house.

More to come...

Daddy's Little Boy

Sorry about no pictures - I forgot I don't have essential software installed on my computer at home and we have to find the disks.

Today Gummi is being "daddy's little boy" for certain. My Viking genes may make him robust and powerful, a true warrior on the frozen battlefield, but right now he's being a little poo-head just like his dad.... (hehe)

Kicking, squirming, boxing, back flips, you name it. I'm trying to have a conversation and he's knockin on the door. Holy mackerel! I'm accidentally lethal (elbows in particular) but this is out of control. I'm not the one who accidentally cuts open his leg with a box cutter while installing stereo speakers... sheesh!

Settle down in there, chummy.

Oh by the way, Mark suggested "Guiness" for a name. What do you think? Guiness Harwood. Or maybe Fintan Guiness Moon Harwood? Is that a little too much? :P I actually like Guiness for a name, too bad I can't stand to drink it.

It's a.... SURPRISE!

Well, that was fun. I'm writing this while Mark scans the ultrasounds so we can show you what the baby's sex is. Yes, you can see it... which is why it's kind of obvious it's ...

A BOY!

Yes, that's right folks... we're having a boy, heir to the Harwood millions as Mark's mother likes to joke. Don't worry, Omi & Grandma, we'll have all girls after this one. If I get twin girls next round, it will confirm my all my spiritual and religious beliefs, and certainly my belief in mind over matter (and body). But in any case, we're happy either way, and there is only love for all children!

The placenta has moved away from my cervix so there's no more partial previa, so I should be clear to have a vaginal birth if all goes well. That, of course, means I have to watch my weight and keep on exercising. Yes, Dr. Porter "yelled" at me but in the most friendly way such that it was not "yelling" by any stretch, just him reminding me that I have gained a few pounds too much and I really must stop eating other people's wedding cakes, birthday cakes, etc. And Binky & I need to do our prenatal yoga soon...

Anyway, back to our little Fintan. We're not 100% decided on that name but close enough that I will be able to continue my mental construct.

So here are the pictures of the baby, cute as a button. Then I have to dash out of here and get to work in time for a meeting at 1:00... egads!!!

UGH! I guess I'll post pics shortly.

16 hours to identification...

Well, the hours are floating by like years. I can't say I've looked forward to a Monday so much as this. Tomorrow we should HOPE to find the baby's sex.

Mark felt his first kick last night. It takes some patience because the minute Dad gets involved the kid stops moving. However, we finally got a good one. "Was that it?!" he asked, his eyes wide with a kind of terrified excitment. "Yes," I said. "Oh my gawd, there's an alien in there!" he said, or something along those lines. A precious moment, too precious to remember details because my memory is more in my feelings.

I went skating with Mini-Goon this afternoon (friends' daughter, she's almost 6). She is so cute, convinced it's a girl, talking about "her" and "she" the way I refer to Gummi as a "he" or "him" naturally. As I've said before, if it's a girl, I hope she's as cute, sharp, and sports-oriented as our little miss pink & sparkles! After we took our hockey skates off, she wanted to put her dress on to show me... she'd be the perfect combo of what Mom wants and what Omi wants :)

I fell down twice, both times on my left knee. Ouch. No biggy, but I think I'm already incontinent... so much for that theory! It can happen to anyone!

I will post tomorrow afternoon, stay tuned!!!

Counting down to Gender Day

Well, my computer is still on the fritz so I have to cheat and do these posts from work. I meant to do one last night but internet was restored yesterday so I figured I could do it from home - but then i couldn't boot and Mark had to re-install XP again. I'm about ready to throw the whole thing out the friggin window and buy myself a really nice portable Alienware or something.

This is what they say about my little defenseman this week (beginning Week 19! almost half way there!):

"Your little action figure is able to choreograph Matrix-like moves by now. Arms and legs are finally in proportion, neurons are now connected between the brain and muscles, and cartilage throughout the body is turning to bone. All these upgrades combine to give your baby more control over limb movements. Which explains all that kicking, stretching, and bodysurfing (or rather bellysurfing) you've possibly started feeling by now."

Feeling it - you bet!

I have a black soft stretch tee on today, over maternity jeans. I look good in black. It's so slimming. I figure I better wear this on Monday so Dr. Porter sees how slim I really am, and when I'm 15lbs up and he freaks out I can say, but look! Do I look fat? No! And I'm barely showing, see?

I do have to wonder, though: Where could all that weight be?!? My swollen ankles? :)

Mama's Little Soccer Star

Gummi is going to be a soccer star just like it's mama. And s/he's going to be a little hockey star just because. Maybe Gummi will be one of those rare athletic gems who is the captain of the team and MVP and a genius to boot! Okay, a mother can dream.

Gummi is kicking away in there. Very athletic, I'd say. I can feel movement every 2 hours or so, sometimes very actively, sometimes more mellow. I like to announce "Gummi's awake" to people around me, who probably couldn't give a rat's butt, and when Gummi is sleeping and people walk by and go "how's...?" (rubbing their bellies) I say "Gummi is sleeping."

Gummi is about 9" now, according to some sources. About half it's body length... well... knowing my family, and Mark's height, that's probably about a third its total birth length. I find out on Monday whether Gummi is a he or a she... and I can't wait!

Meanwhile, my computer is totally down and our Internet is totally down, and I have no way to share my belly pics with you at this time. However, I will get them posted asap! :)

Wonderful Weekend

Well I had another wonderful weekend. Mostly spent it with Mark driving around Silverlake going to open houses for homes we couldn't begin to afford. We found a great 4-br + den, no garage, lots of lighting, very modern... only $936,000! :)

Also saw my friend Lynn at her baby shower, as well as some other hockey friends. Lynn looks good, she's going back to Colorado (wah!) and her husband Alan will hopefully make it back from Iraq in time for the birth.

I'm huge, and feel the baby moving all the time.

My computer completely crashed. I lost all my personal files - scripts, pictures, ultrasounds, web sites, saved game files, everything. Plus our internet's been down all weekend. What a pain. Anyway, hopefully soon I'll have that image of my belly up... soon... soon...

Week 18 - Innerbody Adventures

Hey, apparently I have entered into Week 18. Who knew!

I get updates from an online service. Unfortunately, most of the interesting stuff has passed and now it's just "grow baby grow." And a lot of thinking ahead - planning, etc.

In fact, this whole pregnancy is turning into a scientific expedition into my body, and little more. And, to my amazement, I am discovering... nothing new.

Sure my belly is popping out (sorry, Mark took pics, I'll try to get them off his camera soon) and my body is changing a bit. But, for the most part, the bleeding could very well have been abnormal menstruation and the fluttering could be nerves, and the rest could be gas. Who'd really know I was pregnant?

In fact, everything seems...well... normal. I eat, and three hours later I'm hungry. Okay... that's how I've always been. In fact I think a lot of people are like that. It's more a blood sugar thing. And I can clear my plate. "Of course, you're eating for two!" How does a comment like that make me feel when, in fact, I have always cleared my plate, eating to the point of stuffed-ness where I get home and have to lie down sometimes? And I'm not eating for two. The other guy is only 5 oz. - the weight of a chicken breast and the size of a burrito. A can of Coke is bigger and weighs more. I still have gas, allergies, burps. I may urinate a little more, or did, and now I can go almost all day again. It's almost become... mundane!

Well, anyway, I suppose I focus a lot more on my belly now, unconsciously rubbing it, thinking aloud to Gummi, and really hoping to feel movement, something solid and sure. But these are the 'good times' and I should cherish them, because the really big fat time is yet to come!

Week 17

Oooh, fun update (click here).

I know you all want to see pictures of my poppage (as I officially popped last week) so I'll get some soon.

Energy & Stuff

I should mention I think I am starting to get some energy back. I do feel like sleeping a lot, but I think now that school is over I can actually rest between days. I am not sleeping well (can't get comfy, have to pee a lot) but I am certainly doing much better. I actually have a desire to exercise and bowflex and skate.... finally!!! :)

Since Giant Gummi Goon will probably gain me 35-40 lbs, I am goign to try to net 20-25 lbs. I was 15 lbs. overweight when I got preggo - all school weight, I might add - and I figure I'm eating less and eating better than ever (amazing, eating LESS, I know it sounds weird, I'm eating PLENTY just not PORKING OUT as usual, and it's all more healthy, well, except maybe the soy ice cream) and if I actually exercise more than once every two weeks, I might actually balance out!

Just because I'm preggers doesn't mean I have to be fat. It doesn't mean I have to gain more. I can turn that fat into muscle again, get my Marion Jones legs back, feel and look better than ever, with a gigantic bubble growing out of my belly... and it will REALLY help with childbirth, and as I'm so desperate not to have a c-section and to avoid any assistance, if being lean and strong and healthy can help push that monster out faster and with less pain and effort, all the merrier I say!!!

Boob Fat for Sale

I've gone from a 36 B+ to a 40 D+. Whoever says the # is for your ribcage circumference is insane. I have never fit in any bra of any number that actually fit around my rib cage (I could wear a 50 B+ and it would still be too small). Anyway, I expect they're only going to get bigger, so I am going to sell off some of my organically grown, steroid-free, tenderly loved, all-natural boob fat on eBay.

Yesterday I went ice skating. I'm out of shape but it felt sooooo good. SOOO much better than walking. I need to go more often, it just feels so natural. However, now that my legs are atrophying, turning thigh muscle into "flabbalanche," there is much interference in my crossovers in the upper thigh region... Backward, however, I was doing great, which is usually my weakness. Maybe all that Defense is paying off.

I think I'll do stick-time, too. Keep my shooting strength and stuff. Stick-time is safe, nobody's going to knock me down and I'll just pick my piece of the ice and practice stickhandling and shooting against the boards. When the boys turn it into pick-up I'll politely decline, go to the other end of the ice, and practice some more.

I really want to play - it's REALLY hard to watch your husband and friends play without you! But I am also enjoying sitting in the stands in "pregnant row" as a bunch of the wives are pregnant just a little ahead or behind me, and Jane wants to get pregnant, and Pam's not allowed but she already has two fantastic kids and will be more than welcome to share in ours.

Feeling better!

I'm feeling better for lots of reasons.

1. I feel a little more energy. Even though the past two days at work were 10+ hours, there is less stress after graduation. I'm not sleeping great, but I'm able to do a lot and think a little more clearly.

2. My bleeding seems to have subsided. Hopefully that means things are going uphill and that I haven't jinxed myself by mentioning it.

3. I've officially "popped" as my friends put it. No going back now... In fact my favorite pants, which are "transitional phase" maternity pants (stretch, a little broader waistband), soooooo comfy... well sitting here now i have to unbutton them.

4. Annie and I are going to go hit Old Navy - the nearest one has a maternity section in the store so I can try on pants. Also I need a skirt or dress... I have a friend's baby shower and another friend's wedding to attend in the next few weeks.

I want to go visit Omi this weekend but I should really clean house and catch up after school and try to get more rest.

Oh and it was really cute, I made Mark talk to Gummi this morning and he was silly, like he didn't know what to say. So cute! :)

Oh by the way....

By the way, here's me graduating yesterday. Gummi & I have a Master's degree. How scary.

The Harry Potter costume sort of hides the Gummi Bulge...

Flutters!

Happy birthday, Mom! (aka Omi-t0-be) I love you. I hope I can be as wonderful a mother as you were, able to make the sacrifices necessary to ensure that our family has everything it needs, including love, encouragement, a positive attitude, and the basic necessities. (And I hope I can give more than you were able to, given our circumstances.) I love and appreciate you always!

Flutters!

Let us celebrate Omi's birthday with the announcement of the first official flutters. I've felt things in there from time to time, but only this morning was I ever absolutely positively certain that that fluttering was not a muscle spasm, gas pocket, or surge of ... something in my guts.

We were lying in bed, Mark draped half over me, both of us mostly asleep, me on my back. The alarm clock was playing the usual quiet Sunday morning classical, and Mark was trying to transition from dream land to reality so he could get up and go walk cougars, and I was trying to transition from reality back to dream land because I don't have to go to school any more.

Then Gummi did a somersault plancha, or a hurricane-rana, or something equally acrobatic in there. I was surprised to feel it, but all else was so still and peaceful, and it was so obviously and clearly not digestion, and a little to the lower left where Gummi has been situated. I told Mark and he sleepily told me it must be gas. :)

I was shopping a bit later at Ross in search of cheap maternity clothes, when Gummi fluttered some more. It is so cute, the flutters... much simpler and stranger than the kicking will be, I suppose. Anyway, that's all I've heard from Gummi today.

Now, however, it's time for us all to sleep :)

Our Genetic Possibilities

Let's have some fun with high-school genetics.

First, let me say that I am not carrying the Fragile X "extra" genes so I am confident this kid is going to be A-OK. Now it's a question of what genes we do know about.

First, let me clarify something. A person's "phenotype" is what genetic traits are visible or appear in their obvious make-up. Eye color, hair color, etc. A person's "genotype" is what is in their genes, some of which are not apparent.

1. Mark's mom is Burmese. She has all genes of the Southeast Asian types: dark hair, dark eyes. These are dominant genes, I believe, as Mark displays them as well (phenotype).

2. However, Mark's dad is Caucasian. He is of British descent (English/Irish/Scottish/Welsh - I'm not sure exactly which). There may be some others in there - we'll have to ask. He has green eyes and I believe blond or light brown hair. Although hair doesn't usually have dominant/recessive-ness, it seems that Mark's mom's hair genes took over.

THUS Mark's genotype is 1 Brown eye, 1 green eye; 1 Brown hair, 1 fair hair. He is capable of passing on either the Brown eye or the green eye, as well as the Brown hair or the fair hair to his offspring. Thus, there is a 50% chance I could have a fair-haired kid, and 50% chance he could have green eyes.

(Not that I have anything against dark features - after all, I fell in love with them.)

3. My mom is blue-eyed and brunette. I believe she is carrying one green-eye gene and one Blue eye gene. She passed the green-eye gene on to me, as well as the brunette.

4. My dad is blue-eyed and, well, it's hard to say. He started out very blond, and is now brunette (well, gray...). As with myself and Erik, we both started out fair and darkened over time. Erik was really blond for a long time. My hair darkened around high school/college. Dad has one green-eye gene and one Blue-eye gene, and he passed the green eye on to me.

THUS I am carrying two green-eye genes (assuming green is recessive to Blue) and one brunette hair and one fair-to-darker hair gene. Thus there is a 100% chance that I will pass on a green-eyed gene to my offspring, and a 50% chance of passing along the fair-to-darker gene.

PUT THIS TOGETHER and you get:

• a 50% chance our child will have brown eyes
• a 50% chance our child will have green eyes
• a 25% chance our child will have dark brown hair (Mark's)
• a 25% chance our child will have my brunette hair
• a 25% chance our child will have fair hair
• a 25% chance our child will start with fair hair and it will darken with age

ALL IN ALL that's a 50% chance for a green-eyed, "starting out fair-haired" child!!!]

Will we still name him Fintan if he is dark? Sure, why not. We still love the name.

Quick Update

HI ALL!

First, Sarah, stop worrying. You know I'm not like that.

Second, I went to the doctor today. He was harried because he was on his way to a delivery, but he still makes sure he takes the time he needs to with everyone.

We heard the baby's heart beat again. It's so nice to hear it. Given all the bleeding and spotting it's just nice to know it's still getting his nutrients and blood and oxygen and all.

I graduate in less than a week... holy crap I can't wait to have some time to myself again, to be lazy or exercise or read or do whatever I want to do! I only get 6 more months of that.

According to some calendars, I'm 15 weeks. I never can be sure any more... it's all a blur. Here's the 15-week update. If you can't get to the linked page, email me. Meanwhile, here's a cute illustration. (I see my bladder and why it's shrinking... where are my intestines? LOL)



Keep posting, love to hear from you all!

Fat & Ugly

I guess I'm going through that phase where I feel fat & ugly. I know I need to exercise more. I know I need to eat better (I've kind of gone crazy lately with all the school-end stress). But the hard part is when the pants that fit you ok on Sunday no longer fit on Tuesday. TWO DAYS! Two days and I could not even zip half way up!

Dr. Porter is going to have a cow. I've gained 3-4 lbs. in the last two weeks. That's too much, and more rapid than my previous spurts. Of course the baby is getting bigger and the amnio sac is getting bigger and so forth... but that's a lot in a little burst. And I know a lot of this bulge on top is not "baby fat" but "tummy fat" which I want to get rid of anyway. Ugh!

I keep thinking there must be a twin in there. This is growing too fast!

So anyway, back to my diet of bear food (nuts, berries, veggies, fruit, and meat) and no more sugar foods. (But I am craving my frappaccinos more than ever!) Time to start pre-natal yoga, go hiking and walking, join a gym with a pool, skate weekly (when school ends), and best of all, GO SHOPPING! Shopping counts for walking exercise, right?

Exercise will probably help my fatigue a bit, too. I know starting August 7 I'll have more time for exercise and no more excuses...

Boy Name

So Mark and I have always referred to our hypothetical future child as "Finny" - short for Fintan. If this kid is a boy I think we are both in agreement that this will be his name. I've been pretty glued to it for many many years.

Fintan is an old Irish name. Here are some sites with "historical" information.

Fintan-First-Wave

A Colorful Powerpoint Presentation

Ach that will do for now.

"fin" or "fionn" means "white" in Irish, and I've always wanted a white-haired boy, and there is some possibility from my father and Mark's father that he could be blond, at least to start.

Aunt Rose said there is a hot number of a character in some move I forget the name of now named Fintan. Mom says it's a wussy name. There are also lots of saints and cardinals and what-not for those of you who prefer a less pagan origin.

So now the question is... what would the full name be? I haven't settled on a middle name. If we go Irish, should he have Scandinavian? Or German? Or Burmese? Or noneoftheabove?

Fintan Moon Harwood
Fintan Connor Moon Harwood
Fintan Thorgall Moon Harwood
Fintan Riley Moon Harwood
Fintan AhThisIsKillingMe Moon Harwood?

As for girls, we might take a lot longer to come to an agreement - in fact, we may not even give it serious thought until we know the baby's gender.

The Red Euphoria & Question of the Week

I'm sorry if some of my posts are too graphic. The bleeding reminds me of Junior High, when you have no real menstrual schedule and you start unknowingly in the middle of a class, and make a huge embarrassing mess. Well, it sucks. But at least I can be prepared for it (mostly).

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

I'm into my 15th week now, and I have to know...

When do I get that "burst of energy"
and shed this horrible
sensation of chronic fatigue?

My mom told me today that she never really got that burst of energy... she was tired the whole time. If that's going to be the case with me, I think I'll just give up now and quit my job and as soon as I graduate I am just going to crawl into bed and never come out.

Any thoughts? Cousins & Aunties? Did anyone go the whole way half asleep? :)

Baby Names Rule

I have decided not to discuss baby names with people. Everyone wants it named after them and I just can't acommodate everyone. Thanks for all your suggestions but we're just going to hang tight for a while.

My baby registry link should be working now, for those of you who tried it and it was broken. (Thanks, Brian)

My belly is round and full. And I'm only 14 weeks!

In case you're wondering what else is going on... click here.

Don't take the 14cm seriously. I think that's uterus size not baby size. The baby is not 7" already!!! Good lord!!!

Week 14

I'm bleeding a lot. Bled all weekend. Skipped hockey. It's a lot this time. But no cramping, no pain. This morning I decided I had better get it looked at. Doctor thinks it's fine - nothing to worry about. I'm in week 14 so ... pretty slim chance I'm losing the baby, but it's still weird and scary and messy and annoying.

Alison saw an "adult feminine/undergarment" ad that specifically targets women who have recently given birth............. so it's official. Post VB incontinence is real.

Thanks to all who keep posting!!! Love you all!!

SHOPPING!!!

I spent over $450 in maternity clothes today.

Feels good...

Although I could have spent 75% less on some of the tank tops at J.Crew across the mall... ah well.

Now I have some "professional pants" that will grow with me, because they have these nifty expandable waistbands with adjustable buttons.

Woot! I can wear normal jeans again! I just slip on this tube thingy (feels good!) and fold it over my unbuttoned/unzipped jeans and voila! Who knew I was walkin' around with my fly wide open!!!

Feels good...

1st Trimester Screening Results

Well I just got a call that things look good... 1/3000 of Downs and 1/10,000 of Trisomy-18. So basically my risk is really low.

I won't know about Fragile X until next week or later...

This all means I can hopefully forego the amnio, which I would really like to avoid if possible :)

Now let's just hope insurance doesn't give me a hard time!

Ultrasound 2 Pictures

BABY GOON!!! Dang s/he's cute.

Growing so friggin fast I am certain it must be a boy. Gargantuan taking after Mark's dad.

Mark says "he" has to beat Ethan (my 6'4" probably still growing little brother). A good strong defenseman in there, I say - girl or boy! (Girl more likely to make the Olympic team...)

Anyway, here are those ultrasound pics, finally. It's amazing what 2 weeks can do - compare to June's!!! Note how "round" its head is, so human-like, vs. the blob from two weeks ago!!!

Some day GG is going to read this and think I'm insane. WHO CARES!!! :P

For those of you who are "ultrasound challenged" let me interpret the blobs for you:

I'm so in love!!!! Just seeing these wonderful photos makes me feel warm and fuzzy after my long, hellish, crappy day.

Gastronaut

Sorry, still no picture. Mark says he can't get the scanner to work so I can't scan the picture in. (Sorry Annie!)

Today was a day of horrible gas. Probably more info than you wanted to know, right? Well, it's not the smelly farty kind of gas men tend to produce... it's just the movement of gas through my gastrointestinal system which is, of course, slowly being discombobulated all over my abdomen. So I think that's why it's painful... it just has to spelunk around through the intestines in narrow tubes and around tight corners where it's not used to.

New ultrasound...

Well, it's Tuesday and you're probably wondering what happened yesterday.

My original doctor had referred me to an advanced imaging perinatal genetic screening bladdy blah place. I tried to cancel it, having had an ultrasound that showed we're all right, etc., but the woman I spoke to convinced me that if insurance was paying for it, why not just go ahead and do the "First Trimester Screening?" So I did. (I hope Dr. Porter won't be mad.)

It went fine. It's a nice facility. I spoke with the genetic counselor who drew my family tree and given all the unknowns about Cynthia's and Steven's retardation, and Keith's issues (sorry Aunt Esther), and all of that being through a maternal lineage, she suggested I do the Fragile X Syndrome screening just in case. This is in addition to the other two screenings they do, both non-invasive, for Down's Syndrome and Trisomy-18. With Mark's Asian heritage my chances of a child with Cystic Fibrosis are lower than if we were both white (well, he's half white, but anyway...).

It's all just blood tests combined with measuring the thickness of the neck skin and length of the fetus, etc. etc., the latter of which requires an ultrasound, and theirs was a little more advanced than the guy who comes to Dr. Porter's office. This screening is 80% accurate for detecting a high risk for Down's, and 95+% accurate for detecting a high risk for Trisomy-18. The blood-only screening for Fragile X counts specific extra genomes on the X chromosome which gives a specific yes or no as to whether I'm a carrier, and if I am, then if I have a boy, there is a 50/50 chance he will be mentally and/or physically retarded depending on which of my X chromosomes I give to him. (A girl, if inheriting a clean X chromosome from Mark, would more likely not be, as the clean chromosome would counter the bad one, as it does in seemingly normal female carriers.)

I don't have pics of everything, but next time I will be able to videotape it. Mark needs to scan the pics I do have and I will hopefully post them tonight.

Needless to say, Gummi Goon looks like a normal person now, mostly - head a little more defined and proportionate, full fingers and toes, still jumping around in there. The doctor said GG looks to be of normal proportions, but of course only measurements combined with the blood tests can say one way or another. The tech said 13 weeks, but we know GG is only 11-12, so it's going to be a giant, I can tell already. (Not to mention how much I'm showing given my date!)

We also saw its brain, which appears to be developing normally (butterfly) and a strong heart rate of 168 bpm, and a good, um, umbilical arterial heart beat (don't remember what it's called, two pulses in the umbilical cord pumping stuff to & from placenta). You can clearly see the forehead, nose, lips, chin, jawbones forming, a round little rump, definitely looking like a real baby in there!

I have to say, I fell in love with "him" (don't know gender yet, sorry Mom) the second he appeared on screen, because he seems more like a baby now, even if he is still smaller than a jumbo shrimp.

Now we're talkin!

Thanks, everyone, for posting to my Blog. It seems so much more official.

My mother apparently can't figure out how to get to this blog and wants a separate, special email just to her every time I post. If she can't get on, it means I can make fun of her! :P Just kidding. I love you, Mom. I am going to see if I can find a way to have the blog automatically email her when I post, so that she doesn't need to log in, and if it works, the rest of you can do the same (but you still have to log in once in a while to post!).

I have another "advanced imaging" ultrasound on Monday. I probably won't have any pictures to post right away, because I have to go from there straight to work, but I will do my best to update you all asap. This was prescribed by my previous doctor, and when I called to cancel they talked me into keeping it. They can check for Downs and some other diseases and stuff with a blood test and by measuring the foetal neck size and stuff like that. So if they let me keep pictures that ought to be pretty cool.

Expect an update on Tuesday, or late Monday night.

Incontinence

Is it true? Does vaginal birth cause incontinence? Nobody tells you THAT!

A man told me, a man whose wife had a cesearian for their first child. He said you have to do 500 kegels a day for the rest of your life.

I thought, someone would have warned me about that! Surely my mother would have mentioned it at some point in my life... casually, not really thinking about it. "Oops I laughed and peed a little," she could have said... but no. No one has ever ever mentioned this to me before!

So I am not believing it. Maybe some people have this problem. Hell, I haven't given birth yet and I have had this problem on occasion, I think it's normal. It's not incontinence at all, I mean, if your bladder is full and you put pressure on it, sheesh!

But I have to wonder. Who is holding out on me... not sharing this knowledge? What other dark secrets to post-vaginal delivery are people not telling me???

Birth is Spiritual, not Clinical

I keep going over and over in my head. Childbirth is a spiritual experience for both the mother and the baby. It should not be cold, clinical, and sterile. Well, I mean sterile in terms of being cold and clinical - of course it should be germ-free.

The baby should come into this world surrounded by love and family and not only by cold machines and people in lab coats or surgical scrubs. The process of childbirth, whether it involves drugs or not, should empower a woman not demean her, and should not be a process designed solely for the convenience of the hospital staff, with little to no regard for the spiritual path or the mother's comfort.

I'm not really sure I want a midwife-assisted birth or home birth, but the hospital experience is starting to sound and feel less and less like the spiritual experience and bonding that I want to have with my husband and child. I've always dreamed of motherhood and also of pregnancy. Except for the early scare, so far it is everything I hoped for. I can't wait to feel the kicking and stretching, yes even the discomfort and pain. I want to fully enjoy every bit of this experience, as I have waited a lifetime to get here. It has been the very purpose of my existence, to be a mother, and the last thing I want is to cheat, or to have all the feelings taken away by drugs.

I know, I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who has never had a child. I don't expect it to be easy, but why shouldn't it be natural?

I expect comments on this one, especially from aunts & cousins who have kids. Am I crazy to feel a natural urge to fulfill my destiny as a woman in a natural way, using the great power and spirit and strength that Nature gave not only to women in general, but in abundance to the women of my family? Is it a cop-out to abandon the childbirth sensations by having an epidural, when women have been successfully giving birth naturally for millions and millions of years?

Baby Registry

So I'm starting my baby registry. I am going a lot on the recommendation of other mothers... so of course if you're going to be buying me gifts from the registry feel free to substitute with things you feel are better (based on your mothering experience).

I registered at Babies-R-Us via Amazon.com. My registry is under my name and you can email me for the registry number.

You can print this list or look it over and see what's there, and use that as a guide as you shop in a B-R-Us physical store, or Target or wherever you might be able to find these or similar items cheaper. (I'm not about making you spend money.)

Mom is going to buy the furniture so I really just need the essentials: infant clothes, blankets, towels, toys. I don't really want a lot of toys, though, it's messy enough around here and they might just become cat toys.

Of course when we know what the gender is it will be a lot easier to choose clothes and things, so most of what I have listed is unisex.

But.......... we have a long long long way to go before I need anything, except the Snoogle body pillow, so don't worry! :)

Oh, for Mom's sake, something I need more than furniture is going to be a good reclining chair. A lot of women were recommending this:

Lock Natural Glider

But it looks less comfortable than the recliners that CynDee & Dad use so here's something more along those lines:

La-z-boy recliner with vibrating massage

One Week Later

Well, not quite a week.

It's a week later and I am happy as a clam.

Mark quit his job in Toronto. I'm glad. I don't like his boss who thinks work is more important than these crazy things that happen in life. I'm sorry but it just doesn't work that way. And when Mark takes a leave of absence - meaning he isn't INTENDING to work - that isn't when you start monitoring his email usage and use it against him. I'm glad things worked out for us, that things are all right, but for a while there I was scared and needed my husband, of all people, to help me through it. Jerk. So I'm glad he quit and will be home with me for the long haul now.

I have to go to school. But I just wanted to update everyone that I'm excited.

Binky lent me a book called "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" which is about the power of women and giving birth in environments of love and nurturing. I don't plan to do a midwife birth but it would certainly be nice to do as many "natural" things so that I can feel the spiritual fulfillment of having a child and not just go through it in a clinical hospital way. Modern medicine has always failed me, and I put more faith in my own intuitin and power and in Nature than in doctors.

I will have to talk to Dr. Porter about his allowances. Will he let me be inclined so that gravity can assist? Can I affect the temperature in the birthing room? Also if I'm going to give birth at Good Sam I need to look into it more, maybe visit with Mark, etc. I have been looking forward to childbirth most of my life and I want it to be spiritual and meaningful and not just a cold, clinical procedure. I'm starting to lean toward not having an epidural again, and possibly not having an episiotomy.

We'll see. I have a really long wait now... 30 more weeks!

Ultrasound 2

This is the email I sent to everyone (in one form or another).

ONE BABY!!! Doctor said the other ultrasound must have had an echo or something weird. We looked around and around and around inside and out and there was no sign of a twin. This is good news for me, kinda disappointing but I wanted one the first time so I'm okay with it :) (One bassinet, Aunt Rose!) About the size of a gummy bear (minus the ears).

WONDERFUL HEARTBEAT!!! There's no question whatsoever that it was a-fluttering, I could see it myself very clearly. I also got to see the heart wave on the monitor (like an EKG) and then he turned the volume up and we could hear that rapid little beat strong and clear!

The technician said, based on averages, that it looked 10.5 weeks, but the doctor said because Mark and I are "big people" (hehe) it's probably more like 9.5 weeks which is what he calculates anyway.

SO.......... Everything is perfectly fine!!!

With all its leaping and kicking and jumping about, and squirming and tossing and turning... my own heart was a-flutter with joy. Mark said we have a little Viking in there, certainly an all-star soccer & hockey player, girl OR boy! Active like crazy. So it's either a very precocious girl or a tyrranical little boy... we'll find out more about that in a couple months.

WOOHOO!! Due date is still January 25, 2006. I doubt Gummi Goon will come early and I really want to avoid a Christmas baby...

Now for the pictures (Attached). You can clearly see the big lumpy head on the left and the little leg nubs sticking up on the right. The little dot above the baby is the umbillical cord.

fht_6-27-05 is the fetal heart tone.

baby_6-27-05 is the full image of the gummy baby.

close-up_6-27-05 is a closer image with the technician's sense of humor attached.

They are all GIF format and should open on any machine in any browser. You might have to save to desktop first and then drag it into Explorer.

LOVE YOU ALL
We're Hungry and Going To Eat Lunch
before I go to work.

INGRID & MARK

One more day

I'm starting to get nervous about tomorrow.

My two weeks of school hell are over. We had our simulation Fri-Sat this weekend and we did okay - I was very distracted, tired, and not anything up to my usual intellectual self. I feel like I let my teammates down. But I'm so grateful to have them, as opposed to others I know less well and trust less. These guys are great, and despite the imposed adversities that are part of the learning experience, we did pretty well as a team.

I did not do nearly as much "catching up" today as I had hoped - as all other classes have been neglected.

Anyway, nothing to do but worry now... I'm going to cry if it's good news and cry if it's bad news. I just want to see a heartbeat and I want to see them alive and well. I've been numb for two weeks and now it's really starting to hit me.

One more day of waiting.

Icky Pains

I took the rest of the week off. Mom stayed through Friday. We tried to do things like shop and go out, but my innards really felt awful. A lot of pain in my back and lower abdomen. Fearful thoughts go through your head when you're half expecting to miscarry, and maybe exaggerate that pain. I just wanted to lie around all week.

Also Mark came home Wednesday. I really need him here now. I'm terrified and don't want to go through this alone.

Today (Sat) I have a class in Malibu. I've been sitting most of the day so far, I think I'm fine. Not so crampy. Such a relief.

But still waiting. Why is it always waiting!?

Blood

Tuesday I went to work to try to be normal. I figured I can't dwell on it if I'm immersed in work. It felt fine.

When I got home I talked to my mother, who was panicking all day long calling my aunt, other doctors, etc. insisting on a second opinion, taking immediate action, etc. I don't blame her, but it was, to me, unnecessary. I have two hard weeks of school ahead of me - bad news confirmed will only make it impossible. I have to try to stay positive, try to hope, try to prepare myself for the worst at the same time.

I didn't go to class.

I called my beloved Dr. Lala, but I have to admit, all that talk of a molar pregnancy and other bad stuff really just put me in a worse mood of defeatism.

And around midnight I went to bed. I noticed blood. A lot of blood. I thought, this is it. I'm going to miscarry, and I'm home alone and scared shitless. So I tried to compose myself and called my mom and asked her to come out asap, and she told me she would in the morning, and to try to get some sleep.

I didn't sleep very well. I cried all night, feeling wholly sorry for myself.

The next morning (Wed) the bleeding had lessened. I called Mark. I picked up Mom from the airport and we had lunch and then went to the doctor (I had made an appt.). He examined me and said my uterus looked very normal, and that there was no bleeding. He spent a lot of time explaining the whole situation, why we had to wait and see, etc. I think this helped my mom more than me. He was very kind.

He took more blood to compare with Friday's, and gave me a copy of Friday's results. Friday's had been a palindrome - 144,441 was the hCG level. He was amused... I said it was auspicious.

Ultrasound 1

This has truly been a horrible day, and I was alone for it.

First, I drank way too much for the ultrsound. When I got to the office I had to pee so badly that I went to let some out. Then I drank two more glasses, which hit me within 5 minutes. By the time the ultrsound tech was there, I was dancing in the waiting room.

The ultrasound itself wasn't bad - not too cold, not too much pressure - but I had to go so badly that I clenched my teeth, curled my toes, and closed my eyes. The technician was nice, kept talking to me "almost done" etc. so I could run to the bathroom.

When finished I saw the faint trace of a lima bean on the monitor as I bolted for the door.

After relieving myself I waited in the lobby. The doctor called me into his office. I sat down; he came in, closed the door, and as he walked around to his desk he said, "It's twins--" at which my heart nearly lept off the floor, my breathing intensified, my stomach fluttuered "-- but there's no heart beat." My stomach dropped, my chest squeezed.

"What does that mean, then, that they're dead?"

"It could mean that, or a number of things." I barely remember any of the details of our conversation from this point so I will paraphrase. He had said last Friday that it could be dead, so that was a possibility. It could be the machine. It could be that their hearts had not developed quite enough yet, which would be unusual but not impossible. It could be a number of things. He wanted to do more tests, and have me come back for another ultrasound in two weeks. He needed my other doctor's blood test results so that he could compare the beta-hCG levels. If anything went wrong (if I started to miscarry) I should call him immediately. I have his home #.

Horrible horrible news. I can't go back to work. On the way home I call Mark, bawl to him; call my mother, bawl to her.

Go home, futz around, play Star Wars Galaxies all night. Try not to think about it.

Long, excrutiating waiting.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to my own fathers.

And to Mark, a father-to-be (we hope).

:)

Dr. Porter

Uwe warned me this guy was cantankerous and a stickler for weight gain. I can deal with that. I was a little chicken to be by myself (Mark had to go back to Toronto) and my Aunt Rose was visiting so I figured she and my Mom could come for this ultrasound.

I liked Dr. Porter, definitely more personality and his "cantankerousness" is really just his dry sense of humor and blunt style. I can deal with that :) Aunt Rose liked him. Mom didn't like the way he shoved a magazine with two swimsuit models in front of her and said they had both had babies and that's what women should look like after their babies. I have to agree with that - seems a little perv - but I had already been warned about his obsession over weight gain.

The ultrasound did not come in that day. So Mom and Rose were pretty bored, and I still did not have any answers.

However, Porter told me I felt 6-8 weeks - that if I had been pregnant since March my uterus would be the size of a grapefruit. That meant that it was either 8 weeks or the baby had stopped growing since 8 weeks and it was a missed abortion (meaning it was dead and hadn't miscarried yet).

They drew some more blood and made an appointment for me on the following Monday for an ultrasound.

More waiting.

Mark's Birthday

Speaking of celebrating births - Mark is in Toronto but it's his birthday. BIRTH day!! :)

The Quest for a New Doctor

I told Uwe I am pregnant and he recommended his doctor. I also told Lisa and she recommended hers. I made appointments with both. Uwe's doctor can see me sooner, so I will check him out first. He also has ultrasound come into the office when needed and supposedly that was a day they would come in. But............ more waiting.

Exam 1

What a frickin nightmare. We arrive at 10:45 for my 11:00 appointment. The doctor isn't there. The waiting room is packed. I've never seen my doctor's office like this before.

I'm a patient person, very tolerant of things like the occasionally tardy doctor. Okay I'm not patient at all, but very forgiving. Anyway, around 12:30, Mark and I are still sitting in the lobby, listening to some other patient bitch about how this doctor is always late, etc. etc. I'm thinking, great, is this what I'm in for? This stinks.

Around 12:45 or so, I finally get into the exam room, then I have to go to the bathroom. So the nurse shows me the secret path to the restroom, and when I get back I do the naked thing, and wait for another half hour. There's nothing I hate more than waiting naked. At least I had Mark to talk to.

When Dr. Collier came in, he was devoid of personality. I feel bad saying that on a blog; maybe he was just being "clinical" and "professional" and was also harried from having come in late and having a massive back-log of angry patients. He gave me a brief exam (I'm sure this was making Mark squirm - but it's good for him) and said he thought I felt 6-8 weeks. That would work for April 20.

However, I felt much "bigger" to me, that I could really feel the pressure in there, so I wasn't convinced that it wasn't closer to 12 weeks. Also that he said "...but your uterus is posterior (to the back) and soft, so it's hard to tell at this point." Ugh. No answers.

Furthermore, this whole time we expected to get an ultrasound to get the dating. Collier spent ten minutes answering our questions (the cats: we can test for toxoplasmosis; hockey: standard liability response but it was probably okay, etc.) and ten minutes trying to figure out what to do about the ultrasound. Ultimately he gave me a referral to a high-tech imaging center.

When we left, with a "welcome" diaper bag of commercial shit, formula, magazines, etc. I'll never use or want or subscribe to, Mark and I were already determined to find another doctor.

We went to the lab, got more blood drawn, and so on.

I tried calling the imaging center. They would not only not take me same day (no surprise, as it was going on 3:00) but they would not see me before 12 weeks, and since we weren't sure (which was the whole point of getting the ultrasound - to find out!) she made me an appointment for July 11.



Mark and I went to lunch and I called my boss and let her know I'd be taking the whole day off.

More waiting.

Hockey!!!

Well, I spent Memorial weekend playing hockey in Arizona. It was fun, if a little cautious. I felt fine - I haven't had morning sickness or anything - so why not. The last couple of games were fairly intense, but we ended up winning the championship in a division far above my skill level, so that was nice.

I had told Annie and Corky and Dalia. Sue already knew. Someone had to know in case I was knocked unconscious or anything. But it was fine and I love hockey and I want to play as long as I can.