My boys...

Father & Son...
or as Mark likes to call him:
"the external back-up unit"

I'm always cold... Day 8

I'm freezing all the time. Maybe it's just that I got really used to burning up all the time, and now that my little personal inferno is on the outside, I am back to my old self, just not used to it. Or chalk it up to rapid hormone changes!

Today we had visitors, our friends Saxs and Maja who work with Mark and are originally from Denmark. They are cool, and Maja is also pregnant. I missed seeing Binky this weekend, but that's okay, I am not sure I could have juggled anything else and I will be happy to receive her and Brian another time. Kathy came yesterday before my mother left, so it's been a fun, full weekend.

I miss yoga.

My stitches ache all the time, and my couch seems to aggrivate the achiness. I just want to curl up and sleep for fifteen hours under a dozen blankets with the heat on. It's odd how I go into a deep coma and then when the kid wakes me to eat I'm wired, and then as he nods off so do I, and back to coma again. Yet there is no real "rest."

Mark bought me some breastmilk formula supplements today, which have fenugreek, marshmallow, blessed thistle, and a couple other herbal supplements that supposedly help with milk production. I'm up to 3 oz. and I figured out how to get a little more out of the right breast. (Oops probably too much detail for some of you.) On Tuesday we'll go to the Pump Station since Mark has to go with me to the pediatrician, and we'll see what other help I can get, plus I'll get a really good pump. He did take the breast last night, though he only gets about half a feeding's worth that way, so I'm just pumping and bottle feeding for now.

I'm going to miss Mark tomorrow like crazy... I don't want him to go back to work yet but he has to. And I have to find and send in my disability forms asap before I go broke.

Some Photos

Here is my angelic boy!


Here he is with Omi right after delivery! (my mom)


Here he is day 3 or so...


And all I got was these crazy freckles...


(st)INKY FEET!

This is really tough work!

I am just a tired, hormonal wreck. I cry for no reason for hours at a time. Just writing this makes me tear up. I'm only just starting to love this thing, even though I recognize how incredibly adorable he is. It's weird how you bond so deeply during the pregnancy and then when the hormones are adjusting you're like, what is this thing? I'm okay with it, though. At least I know it's "normal" :)

His jaundice score was 18.5 yesterday - 20 = grow light. The part that bothers me is that they want to have him on formula or at least supplement his breast feedings with formula, and so he's taking a lot less of my breastmilk so i have to pump to keep production up for now, but who knows if I'm pumping enough. I need to call my lactation consultant. The whole thing is annoying.

He gets circumcised on Tuesday and they'll check him out again. He's looking better, more hydrated and lots more poopoos and peepees today. I'm not happy about circumcising him but we can't decide what we want and I figure it'll be easier for him and us to deal with in the long run. Or I'm just giving in to pressure. Either way, I'm sort of hating myself already, but if I don't I might hate myself later on. I'm trying not to think about it.

Well, sleep deprived me is going to eat this soup and chug 50 gallons of water and massage my boobies and get ready to feed him next, which will be in the middle of the night of course. We bought a nice gliding chair today so I'm better set up. He sleeps well during the night. Of course, he sleeps well in general. Like all the time.

My mother goes home tomorrow and I'll be on my own. I'm not sure I'm ready but I'll figure it out. There is just no way in hell anyone can prepare you for (1) being sore while (2) trying to remember how to do things like bathe him and diaper him (3) without taking your eyes off him while he's on the changing table or (4) carrying him around screaming in the middle of the night trying to warm his bottle when (5) there's a pile of laundry building up and (6) the cat is puking up something other than a hairball and (7) your husband is worried sick about you because (8) your hormones and fatigue are wreaking havoc on your emotional and mental stability. Women can multitask; women have to multitask.

My advice to all women: no matter how strong or independent you think you are, no matter how involved your husband wants to be: get help. I'm glad it's my mother not my mother-in-law, though I'd be grateful for her as well, because there are girlie things you just don't really want to talk to your m.i.l. about. But this is tough work to do while you're hormones and fatigue are dragging you down.

More breastfeeding woes

First, thanks for everything, for all the support and well-wishes from everyone!

So today was not so fluffy, though we did get some extra sleep thanks to Omi taking him for a few hours after his midnight feeding.

Not only is the kid jaundiced pretty badly - as of the last 24 hours really - but my mom called the ped and she said to put him on formula. I, of course, freaked - that can totally disrupt the breastfeeding process we're working so hard to achieve here.

So I called two lactation consultants and two different Pump Station stores to see if any of their consultants were available. I also called the doctor who called back. What we concluded was that he needs just a little extra "food" to push the cycle through. I combined all the information I gathered into one solution: we'll pump (to measure my output) and bottle feed that to Fintan; then we'll supplement that with formula (one lactation consultant had recommended water or sugar water, but the ped said it wouldn't be heavy enough to push the system through) about 1/2 to 1 oz.

Well, I pumped using the little hand-sized pump I received at my shower. It worked just fine, and I was able to extract 2 oz. According to size charts, etc., Finny needs something closer to 3 oz. per feeding, 6-8 times per day. But he fell asleep at 2 oz. and we weren't able to get to the formula until later on. However, in the past three hours he has provided two very good poopoos, which is wonderful for his jaundice. We're just hoping for more weewees first.

I'm not happy about the whole affair. My mom is freaking because I'm not freaking; Mark is supporting our "education" and my commitment to breastfeed exclusively, and making me call all over the planet for answers from our point of view; the doctor's answer, relayed to me, seemed extreme. I think it has all worked out in the end, and he only took about 3/4 oz of formula before konking out again.

I'll let everyone know how his first newborn pediatrician appointment goes tomorrow, where they'll measure his jaundice and take care of it.

Well he's sleeping and I'm sleepy so I'm going to try to "sleep when the baby sleeps."

Life with a 3-day-old

Well Finny is 3 days old and still as adorable and perfect as ever. However, Mamma is more tired than anyone could ever have described, yet totally wired and hormonal.

Finny didn't eat much the first 24 hours, and the nurses wanted to give him formula water, and I refused. That breastfeeding class and all those birthing classes were worth every penny to give me the knowledge and strength I needed to ensure Fin is only breastfed. He can't get dehydrated ... oops feeding time, be right back...

Fintan Reilly Harwood is Here!

Baby Fintan is finally here!

He is 9 lbs. 1 oz., 22 inches long - all the nurses said "What a big baby!" He was born at 4:15 pm on Saturday, January 21, 2006, at Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Angeles, California. APGARs looked great, no complications and lots of loving instantly from Omi (my mom).

He shot out like a rocket, too; we were all very surprised, including Dr. Porter who was expecting him to take longer and wasn't completely ready when Finny crowned, so he was saying "don't push!" while he finished up setting up the "catch" area, but Fin just kept coming even though I wasn't pushing. It's amazing how that whole thing works.

After all the desire and plan for natural birth, it all came on so fast and so suddenly that I skipped over the early labor phase entirely. When I wrote that last blog entry I was already in active labor and probably about 6-7 cm dilated (and didn't even know it). The contractions were not intolerable, but because it was all accelerated, there was no "let-down" between them; they would peak and then release into a cramping mode. You could see this on the monitor when we got to the hospital.

Needless to say, we resorted to Plan B - "go with the flow" - and I opted for the epidural. Then I lay there for a few hours while Omi, Opa, and the doctor arrived, and I felt so relieved (albeit a bit disappointed in myself, but not beating myself up). With the epidural the contractions became more distant (5-6 minutes instead of 3-4) though they were still as strong and there was still no let-down. I could feel the tension of them but not the pain. I could also feel my belly move as Finny moved further downward into my pelvis.

The pushing was 40 minutes. Like I said, he shot right out. His heart rate never changed and he didn't even look like an alien - he looked exactly like he does now. My mother got some good (not too gross) pics though I am not sure how much I want to post for the more sensitive readers of this blog :)

So we spent 2 nights in the hospital and now I am home, feeling great, having slept only about a total of 6 hours since my last blog post and not having eaten very much. Yesterday the "damage" was very difficult to tolerate, but today we're feeling much closer to normal. Finny is sleeping in his borrowed bassinet and Nirmal is staring at the ceiling in Mark's computer room and meaowing - we have a "welcome home" photo with him in it which I'll post as soon as Dad gets it to me.

So from here on out, this blog will be about Fintan and his mommy's adventures in raising him! LOVE TO ALL!

IS THIS IT!??!

Is this it? Am I in labor? Really bad crampy feeling that also feels a bit like a really bad gas cramp? A cramp started about 11:00 last night, but as with all cramps lately, I ignored it.

Right now they're lasting about 45 seconds and about 5 minutes apart... I may be farther along than I thing. I will have to wake Mark up.

At about 4 in the morning I ended up on the couch. Mark's snoring, which he blames on me for keeping him up but which has nothing on Earth to do with me, was just interminable. I could hear it all the way downstairs. Poor guy. Anyway, from the couch around 5 this morning I could feel more cramps, coming in waves, sort of through my dreams, and I'd wake up and have to breathe through them (they're not bad, just uncomfortable).

Not to be gross, but I just did a duty and finally some blood showed. I didn't see a plug yet, though. Who knows, I may have missed it. I feel a need to purge the bowels of that Indian food and shower like crazy.

Also, the cats started parading me and Nirmal came to sleep with me. So either their hungry or it's a sign.

I'll let y'all know... I have to give it a few more counts to be sure, before I start calling my mother and Lala and so on.

Still Nothing ... but a lovely day!

Today I had a nice break from the boredom of yesterday. My friend Lala came to visit! We had a nice yummy Indian lunch, then she very graciously drove me to the chiropractor about 10 miles away, and in traffic no less! Then she stuck needles in my feet, hands, ankles, belly, back, and shoulders. The latter was to relieve the tension that my misaligned vertibrae had been causing, and the first four were to help stimulate labor. (Lala is a physician AND acupuncturist and I don't mind being her guinea pig for this labor thing. It's NOT DRUGS!) It was great to spend time with her and talk business and finance and stuff, too. thanks lala!

So far there is no direct result from the acupuncture but we figure it might take a day or two to really kick in. It's just refocusing my energy. Nirmal (the perfect cat) was very involved, stepping on my tummy and lying on my lap insisting I pet him with my useless hands while I had needles sticking out of me. What a great kitty. Acupuncture is weird in how it works but it is pretty cool and painless if done right. Once in a while she'd hit something not so painless, but nothing even a pain-wimp couldn't handle... and I'm no wimp!

Anyway, that's my day. Tomorrow we get to go to see Dr. P and then to yoga, unless things get rolling in which case I might skip yoga and go home because it wouldn't be prudent to drive around while in labor. I'm already spacey enough. But we don't want to get to active labor until late Saturday night or early Sunday morning because the Snipers are short players Saturday night and Mark will need to be at the game. (We have priorities ... haha)

Sorry, Daddio, that I missed Robert E. Lee's birthday. I guess Finny isn't all that into Civil War history and stuff. I might make Lisa's birthday. If not, we're still shooting for Lala's birthday. To miss that becomes Eric's birthday. And then next weekend we'll really be up against Dr. P and his desire to induce but as Mark puts it, "I'm paying for this..."

No induction for me!

So................... here is my decision. No induction for sure. Thanks to our friend Maja, who is also pregnant (and Danish), for the following link:

http://www.lamaze.org/institute/carepractices/LaborBegins.asp

It doesn't sound like it's really a BAD thing, necessarily. Just that, well, clearly my due date is not certain, and the baby is not quite as big as we'd expected, and I haven't gained any weight in the last week, and I feel great. Why push it? He'll come when he's ready. Dr. P will just have to respect that. And who knows, maybe Finny will come on Sunday anyway.

Of course I'm ready. But this is my first parental lesson in patience. (As opposed to all the other kinds of lessons in patience I've had to endure... like feline patience and patience with other people's kids.

Meanwhile I'm bored to tears and have felt so good this week that I wish I had gone to work after all.

Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait

Would someone please give me drugs to make this waiting more pleasant, to knock me out and wake me when labor starts? I hate waiting. But Finny sprang to life on his terms in his own time (just like a cat) and so shall he spring forth on his terms in his own time. If Dr. P pressures me too much to induce I will go insane... unless he has some great solution to naturally induce. Unfortunately I have no clue what a labor pang will feel like and so every sensation is hope and disappointment.

The minute I go the pitocin route, the minute I throw my entire dream out the window.

I do think Finny has moved vertically. He's been diagonal for quite some time and he feels vertical now. I hope that also means that he has turned over. It was going to be hard for him to slalom out.

Gawd it's crazy. Binky says by Thursday. I said Monday night. I'm probably so anxious I'm slowing the process. I need to surrender! Let it be what it is! Relax! If I can't do it when I'm not in pain, how am I going to do it when I am in pain!?!?

Then again, how many women imagine themselves pacing the maternity ward, laughing out loud, saying "This is great! This is so cool!" after every contraction?

Get Out. OUT OUT OUT.

What's wet and pinkish and doesn't like being wiped off? That's right, a cat's nose! And you thought I was talking about a newborn. Ha! If only I were.

We walked and walked and walked all day today. And so far, nothing.

Right now I feel like a bad mom, pressuring my little precious angel already, before he's even born. GET OUT. Like the haunt of Amityville Horror... GET OUT.

A random woman today at Target said I look great pregnant. "You really do" she kept saying. I thanked her, tried to pass the blame to my doctor...



I'll keep you posted...

To Induce or Not to Induce

So my doctor is certainly in favor of inducing when it's convenient for us all to have this baby. I, on the other hand, am not convinced that's the best thing. First, I hear induction by pitocin makes labor that much more painful, which means I'd have both the pitocin (drug) and the epidural (drug). So clearly we're not all on the same page about my desire for natural childbirth.

But then again, I am now in the stage that I guess many women get to, where getting him out and caring for him on the outside is more important and practical and preferable than keeping him in there. It's tempting. Hell, I'm almost even to the breaking point where I give in to the pressure and say, "Sure, whatever, give me all the drugs you want, just get him out."

I'm not that bad off at all; the pressure down low isn't exactly comfortable, and having to urinate every 30 minutes isn't ideal, and the waiting and not knowing when/what happens next is kind of irritating. And I'm getting much more emotional and irritable over the last few days. (Poor Mark!) But really, I'm doing great, and "everything is proceeding as I have foreseen." (Sorry, Star Wars quote.)

In fact, during "meditation" today, which we do at the end of a Kundalini yoga session, I started to cry. A lot. No real reason. We were doing a meditation of "acceptance" and the mantra, ong namo guru dev namo, which in short means "I bow to the infinite wisdom" - in this context we are accepting that the infinite wisdom is guiding us through all this; we are surrendering to Nature, so to speak. Well, it was apparently just what I needed to hear in contrast to all the pressure to induce, use drugs, etc.

So I've spent 9 months preparing myself for a particular event, and if I can still have my way with it (as seems totally possible, feasible, and likely at this point), why not? Why give up and give in now? Ah, the infinite mental/emotional struggle between the desirable and the practical...

So I told my doctor "no" and we'll see if we can encourage little Finny out this week without the drugs, and perhaps next weekend we'll re-assess the situation, if he hasn't come. (If you're taking bets, my current prediction is Monday night, 1/16, I start labor, and he's born sometime Tuesday morning, 1/17.)

Last day at work

Today was my last day at work, and not a moment too soon. Monday I felt like I could climb Mt. Everest. Tuesday I started to feel a little like a typical Monday - not quite recovered from the weekend. Wednesday I was waddling at my doctor appointment and could barely keep up at yoga. Thursday I went home early - I just couldn't stand sitting any more. Today I made it through the day, but it is getting increasingly more difficult to sit, stand, or lie down for any length of time. (Particularly sit as Fin drops down lower into my pelvis and increases the pressure down there.)

As far as I can tell, by what little movements I can still feel with all the pressure, he is still posterior positioned. I was hoping he'd dropped and turned (back to belly!), killing two pre-birth birds with one stone, so to speak. Alas I think he is just packed more tightly, which might make it more difficult for him to turn when the big day comes.

So now the real waiting begins. Waiting for a bloody show, or a mucous plug, or a gush of water, or any other sign of imminence. Waiting for these daily afternoon Braxton-Hicks contractions to become painful and provide some sign of imminence. Waiting for cramps or other sensations that are "undeniable" signs that labor has begun, that can't be confused with all the other cramps and sensations I get (ir)regularly.

Will it be closer to 1/18 or 1/25? Or sometime long after? Will my doctor get scared and want to induce? Will I run out of patience or energy and throw my entire birth fantasy to the wind? Can I endure the wait, still make some massage and yoga sessions, and stay off my pelvic bone without going insane? I'm sure I can, but it's not going to be the most fun I've ever had (impatient me!!!).

ALMOST THERE!!!

3cm. Contractions. Heartburn designed to kill me. What does all this add up to?

Nothing.

Yet.

Almost there!!!

Top Ten Lists About Being Preggers

These are the top 10 things I wish I'd known about being pregnant. Not that it would have stopped me... but they are things nobody seems to tell you until you get really into it or until you or a fellow pregger are experiencing it. And to think I actually have it "easy!"

1. Raging hormonal swings by the moment
2. Lack of sleep in bed; ability to fall asleep anywhere else
3. The excrutiating slowness of time in Month 9
   
4. Weekly pelvic exams
   
5. Incontinence starts before you pump out the baby
6. Irregularity & inconsistency with each BM
7. Inability to shave sensitive areas (as well as other areas)
   
8. You can't really feel the stretching/bulging until the end
   
9. Constant "not so fresh" feeling 24/7
   
10. Gargantuan swelling - and I don't just mean ankles and breasts

Something else I wish I'd known - or even learned in my breastfeeding class (it's almost as if women don't want to talk about this because pregger women might fear it or something) - Contractions (orgasms?) during breastfeeding.

Top things I LOVE about being pregnant...

1. Feeling the alien within
2. Preferred passenger status on most airlines
3. Special parking places at some malls/stores
4. Each ultrasound - seeing that human being form
5. Always having the latest fashions
6. The excuse to be forgetful or downright stupid
7. Extra love from friends and relatives
8. Extra love from the one who did this to you
   
9. Having nipples (not all women are blessed with nipples!)
10. Feeling the divine intuition and connectedness with Nature and all Mothers throughout the world and time
    

I can't remember the title...

I can't remember a lot of things. I think of something to do (like pick up the print-out from the printer) and I stand up, and then I stand there for a few minutes wondering what I stood up for. Then I usually sit down and just work on something (else). This has been going on for a long time but it's becoming regular.

I honestly had a good title for today's blog. I can remember that much - just not what the title was. (sigh)

Mom ordered furniture for the baby - a red crib and a red changing table that matches. Well we won't put up the crib right away but we need the changing table/dresser, and they're both arriving on Saturday. w00t!

I am on the last day of week 37... which means tomorrow starts week 38 and that much closer to popping. I am 2-2.5 cm dilated (but no cramps). I've been eating normally, except a little too much dairy since Mark ordered cheesecake and cannolis from Venieros in NYC. We're almost done with that, tho, which means in a couple weeks I should be able to breathe again and not be so rashy.

Oh now I remember the title! The Fire Breathing Dragon. I can barely tolerate the burning heartburn sensations that crop up in the middle of a sentence, a meeting, a meal, or most often, a moment of slumber. I asked Dr. P for something today and he gave me a roll of extra strength Tums... not quite what I'd hoped for but maybe they'll work better than my Whole Foods ones.

Done for the day/week

The bathroom is so clean my German grandmother would feel good using it. Unfortunately we don't have a very good alternate solution for the litter boxes, but at least everything is accessible and usable (except the sink, which has no water pressure anyway) and all the "trash" is out. Well, the trash is in the hallway - some of it is too heavy for me to drag out to the dumpster. It has stopped raining mostly, so I should be able to make a run for the lighter stuff.

I kicked the vacuum in the bedroom and my toe is blue. It didn't hurt much, but it's a toe I broke back in college and it aches now. I need to shampoo barefoot so I can feel how wet the carpet is and so I can keep sucking up the water where it stays wet. Besides, shoes just are not comfortable.

I shampooed the bedroom, though I can't say it worked very well. Unlike the living room and Mark's room, the stains only seemed to fade, not disappear. Oh well. I need to do the entryway but last time I did it the stains didn't come out at all, and just seemed to spread. I will tackle that next weekend, and think about getting a rug for now. I also vacuumed the space under/behind the couch, but Mark has to move it back, I'm just bushed.

Lots left to be done, but at least it's clean and there's a place for the baby when he arrives. For now I will treat myself to something chocolate, a hot shower, and maybe a nap or a video game.

Another room down...

Mark's room is vacuumed and shampooed. And what an improvement! You could fit a crib and dresser in there now. I even hand-cleaned every [exposed] nook and cranny, including each individual vertical blind, the trim above and the indentations on the doors, and the cheapy baseboards along the wall by the carpet. Oh, and you can CLOSE THE DOOR now!

I was thinking we'd just keep one of the huge boxes to put the kid in like we do with young kittens when we want them near us but not running around crazy. (Just kidding!) Watching daddy play computer games and surf the net for hours on end will be a great way for the kid to learn his geek heritage. However, I hope to be moved by the time he gets to that stage, or at least to be ready for another solution.

Now on to the cat bathroom! After that, I moved the couch and used the magic hair broom to lift all the hair off the carpet under the couch, and I will vacuum that up and perhaps shampoo that half of the living room (we never use that space currently).

NEW YEARS Same-Day Update

Wow, I can see Mark's floor!!! Steam cleaner, here I come!!! Well, tomorrow. After some sleep.

Oh, by the way, found this on the net... so cute!!! Note the head of the cat is bigger than the head of the baby...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Our first day of the new year had some ups and downs. Chocolate fixes all hormonal surges. I bawled uncontrollably for no reason other than my frstration at not really getting anything done all week, or so it feels. When you look at the place, it's still a pig sty. Boxes seem to keep appearing spontaneously out of nowhere. There's still clutter on the couch and around the organ where Mark spent many weekends cleaning... where is it to go? It's crazy.

Only the bedroom is 99.5% complete. I need to shampoo that carpet, but it's not as bad as the living room and I'll do it tomorrow when I can avoid disturbing the neighbors. Unfortunately, Mark has to work. I get the day "off" so nesting will be my priority. I think I'll tackle the back (cat) bathroom as well. That will feel like a huge accomplishment. I did shampoo the living room, but not the entryway where the real stains and nastiness are.

As for my clutter, I have thrown out everything I can from my office area and I am dying to rearrange it. It's all heavy stuff, though, and I need his help - and I need a place to put most of the other stuff. So I went online to office furnture places, Office Depot, office anything, and ended up comign up with some storage solutions from Ikea. I can get some doors for the bookcases, too, which should help some of the clutter-look disappear.

Poor Mark has no place to put anything yet either, until he finishes his room upstairs. And even then, as he organizes, I still can't see the floor (although I can see more than before) and it's that cycle of "make a mess to clean a mess" going on. When he gets settled and organized I am going to be SO HAPPY. Then much of the clutter down here can go up there, and I'll be organized and can live happily ever after.

The end. Or... for the year... the Beginning.